Web Essays

At Last, Good News for the Holiday Season!

By Ann Beattie | December 17, 2018
Flickr/Zechariah Judy

1. McDonald’s adds “The Christmas Burger” (a hamburger with dressing and cranberries) to its menu, debuting at half-price for the month of December to anyone bringing a non-endangered tree that retains its rootball into participating McDonald’s franchises.

2. African rainforest hunter-gatherers express their thanks to the community for its many Kickstarter donations. They look forward to arriving here the week before Christmas. It is their intention that children who don’t want to wait in line to see Santa have the option to learn from them about other cultures instead. The children will also have the chance to take home a small pet.

3. Senior citizens who read the free copies of Dante’s Inferno provided by our public library, and who can correctly answer six questions online about who is in what ring of hell, and why, will have a $5 bonus added to their next Social Security check. Beginning at midnight tonight, log onto http://Dante.You’re.Doomed. Be sure to have your Social Security Number handy!

4. A free concert will be given on the Saturday before Christmas at the playground, newly warmed by space heaters donated by O’Rourke Heating and Cooling, with school lottery winner Mary Frances O’Rourke, age 9, singing “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” and other seasonal favorites.

5. Namaste Tattoo parlor will offer a “Buy-One-Get-One-Free” special on devil tattoos during the third week of December. Work with their tattoo artists to express your empathy by creating a “friend” for the devil, who can be depicted either in profile, or full-face. Options include, but are not limited to: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Lassie with a red bow, Santa, or Mrs. Claus.

6. Get a free seasonal doormat with a minimum $500 purchase at XAmazonPrime hardware store on Main Street. Choose between DRONE-B-GONE; PTSD—MY DOORBELL’S BROKEN; and WHAT PART OF WIPING YOUR FEET DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

7. A mistletoe bower will be created at the north end of Main Street. Bring your secretary, the girl (or guy!) you have a crush on, the babysitter, or even your wife or domestic (or non-domestic) partner. Emotional support pets are also welcome. Flavored seltzer and hot cocoa with marshmallows will be offered. Volunteers from the police department and the ACLU will also be present.

8. Renowned veterinarian Arnold Smith will give a short talk on the inadvisability of catching wild animals and why “domesticating” wildlife can lead to tragedy. Dr. Smith’s adopted crocodile, abandoned 15 years ago in the Christmas nativity scene at Lord Be Praised First Baptist Church, will provide an excellent example of pets that grow too big.

9. Be an archangel for a day! Robes and wings made of non-carcinogenic, recycled materials will be provided to the first 50 “angels” who come to the former Sears parking lot, before the afternoon Dance of Ascension. David Howard, of “Get UR Ju-Jus Off Nets & Power Ropes,” will give free hourly demonstrations, after which you’ll truly soar.

10. FYI: A press conference scheduled with the father of Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, was abruptly cancelled after his abduction by someone on the Santa and Space Aliens float. An 800-number is provided below for anyone with information about his whereabouts.

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