Things My Kids Have Said …

… That they do not know I know they said

By Brian Doyle | April 5, 2013


1. Pretend you have been sleeping for two days, and you tied me with a rope, and I woke up and shot the rope! With the gun in my toes! And the rope turned out to be an elephant! And then it got married to an eagle! And we had soup!


2. I told dad I did my homework, but the teacher didn’t give us any homework today, so the joke is on dad! Ha ha!


3. Pretend I have a handle in my back, and I am on fire, and you pull me out of the fire, and we are in the jail, but you throw me through the bars, because I am magic, and then I get you out of the jail, and we go find the treasure, which is upstairs.


4. If you really like Jell-O, and you really like mayonnaise, then you should be able to have a Jell-O and mayonnaise sandwich, and dad is wrong.


5. Grandmother decided to be dead, and now she lives in Daisy World.


6. Dad is not the boss of the family. Mom is the boss. Dad is the second boss. Dad is the boss of the mail, and mom is the boss of everything else. Mom says dad is the boss, but she knows and dad knows that he is the boss just of the mail. He is not even the boss of the grass. I am the boss of the grass.


7. I know I said I would be home at midnight, but I am the one who said that, so when I decided to not be home at midnight, I was not actually late, because I can change my mind.


8. How could grampa be the best grampa ever and dad be the worst dad ever?


9. Why do we have to wear socks that match? Dad doesn’t wear socks that match. He says they match but they do not match. He is a liar about socks.


10. If dad dies, mom has to marry his next younger brother, and if he dies, she has to marry Tommy, because he is the last brother, but if Tommy dies, she is an unrestricted free agent. Dad said so.


11. Belts are fascist. Dad said so. Fascist means for fat people.


12. When dad tells a joke, he is the only one who laughs.

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